कहिल्यै नमेटिने सम्झना, कुशे औशिँ

#कहिल्यै_नमेटिने_सम्झना #कुशे_औशिँ मन भित्रको ज्वारभाटा उर्लेर आँउछ। कसैगरि थामेको यो मन मान्दै मान्दैन, अहँ, मान्दै मान्दैन। त्यो स्वरको मिठास अजैपनि यि कानमा गुन्जिरहेछ जसरि अग्ला पहाडका डाडाँहरुमा आवज गुन्जिरहन्छन्। कता कता त्यहि स्वरले मलाई पुकारे जस्तो भान हुन्छ। एकछिन टोलाउछु, झस्किनछु, यता उती हेर्छु, त्यो अनुहार खोज्छु, अहँ, कहिँ कतै पाउदिन अनि "खोज्यो भने देवता त भेटिन्छ" लेखेका हरेक पाना च्यातन मन लाग्छ, छाप्ने त्यो मेसिन फुटाईदिउँ लाग्छ र त्यो मसिलाई बगाईदिउ लाग्छ। हो जब प्यारो मान्छे गुमाएपछि मनले मान्दैन रहेछ, नपाउने थाहा भए पनि खोजिरहदो रहेछ, हरेक दिन, हरेक पल आशा भैरहदो रहेछ। एकतमासले आँखा रसाउछ, एक हातले ति दर्केका आँखा पुस्छु। आकाश दर्किदाँ मान्छेको शरिर भिज्छ, तर जब आखाँ दर्किन्छ पुरै मन भिज्दो रहेछ। भिजेको शिरर त एकैछिनमा ओभाउछँ तर भिजेको मन ओभाउदो रहेनछ। जति नै कोसिस गरिरहुँ कतै न कतै चिसो रहिरहदोँ रहेछ। त्यही चिसोले सधै मन दूखाउदो रहेछ, सम्झना दिलाईरहदो रहेछ। आज म त्यो भुतकालमा पुगिरहेको छु। त्यो पल, जहाँ म सँग खुसी नै खुसी थिए, त्यो न्यानो माया थियो, त्यो आफ्नोपनको आभास थियो अनि कहिल्यै नसकिने माया थियो। हो आजपनि म त्यही आवाज खोज्छु जसले मलाई हरेक बिहान उठाउने गर्थ्यो, जिवन जिउने आशा देखाउथ्यो, मेरा हरेक गल्तिहरुलाई सच्चाईदिन्थ्यो, अनि हरेका पाईलाहरूमा प्रेरणा दिन्थ्यो। त्यहि न्यानो साथले मलाई कहिले एक्लोपनको आभाषसम्म भएन न कहिले मलाई केहि कुराको कमि महसुस भयो। बस मैले सोच्नु पर्थ्यो जादु जस्तै मेरा सारा ईच्छाहरू पुरा भैदिन्थे। अहँ त्यो माया मैले बयान गर्नै सक्दिन, जतिनै निरास पल किन नहोस मलाई त्यही एउटा छायाँमात्रै भएपनि खुसी दिन्थ्यो। तर त्यो साथ छुटेको आज १३ बर्ष भईसकेछ, बितेका यी बर्षकालमा कुनै यस्तो दिन छैन जुन पल मलाई त्यो न्यानो माया र साथ खड्किएको। तै पनि मनलाई सम्हालिरहेको छु र सगै भएको आभासले बाँकी जिन्दगी काट्न बाध्य छु। नफर्किने थाहा हुँदाहुँदै पनि मनमा एउटा झिनो आसले जहिले डेरा गरेर बसेको छ कि कहिले "छोरा म आए" भनेर सुन्न पाउछु र मनका सारा बह फुकाउन पाउछु।

Looking for answer (Part 2)

Looking for answer 

(Part 2)

[Note: Please be noted that, this is just the English version of the post that I wrote in my mother tongue. Please click here to read in the Nepali language.]

Only two days later, Ashish's message came, "Hello brother, and I am sorry for the day before yesterday".  I easily accepted his apologies.  He had already read what I had posted, he said, "Thank you very much, brother. When I read what you wrote, I felt that my Drishti was with me. Thank you very much, brother."  Without saying much, I asked straight away, "And why did your girlfriend had to go to MakhkhanStreet?"  For a moment, I thought, "How selfish I have become that I didn’t even ask about his health" But he kept saying about everything, walking around the MakhkhanStreet, having lunch, and taking her to the room and saying goodbye.

He started by saying:

Yes, my mind was also distracted by the fact that she was walking around with me. One way my mind was saying, "Yes, Ashish, Drishti also likes you, otherwise why did she offer to hang out with you on the first date"?  When my heart comforted me, it gave me the impression that she was mine, at the same time it made me think on a dual aspect and set my whole dream on fire.  Still, I would take care of myself, abuse my own mind, and think about her. While we were going over the sky bridge of Jamal, her shoes got stuck on the stairs. As she was about to fell, she grabbed me by the hand, and immediately leaving her hand, she said, "I'm sorry Ashish." Somehow that sorry had hurt my mind and inner me.  But my name, which was uttered from her mouth, gave me more coolness than that "sorry" and also a feeling of belongingness.  I was overwhelmed.  "Did you get hurt?" I asked.  She also smiled and said "If you weren’t here I would be hurt, maybe".  "Just say yes, I will support you for the rest of my life and I will be a balm for every injury" said to my soul but couldn’t express it to her so I just smiled. In a while, we went to IndraChowk and I asked her if she likes lassi. Suddenly, she became excited and said “Wow, Lassi… it's my favorite let's have it.” We drank two glasses of lassi. Every time she and I talked, I had a different kind of joy. I thought God made her for me. Then we moved toward Bishal Bazaar. There were a lot of people walking on the road: no one cared, everyone was in a hurry, and they seemed to be chased by death. In the same crowd there were some youths as well. While we were just passing by, one of the youths said in a flirty tone "Oi, what a beautiful girl aight.” Actually yes, my Drishti is really beautiful. But I was getting more angry than happy, but then I thought it was better to run away than to get in a fight with them.  She felt a little embarrassed, she started walking fast. I hated such people and their behavior. I was embarrassed even in that civilized place as it is the capital city of my country. I thought about the news of many girls being sold every day and all the violence against women. I thought about the guy who behaved insignificantly and lowly. I said to myself “How cheap sons are born in my mother country? I felt like they don’t belong here else who would dare to do such cheap activities?” In a moment, we came across Makhkhan Street, I was walking straight ahead with my thoughts and suddenly she said “Ashish, here!"  My mind was distracted then. She was right in front of one shop at Makhkhan Street. I asked, "What do you need?" She replied, "A hairband and a clip." She added, "You can also look some for your girlfriend" I didn’t say anything and then putting on a hairband, she asked, "What do I look like?"  I was a little angry by her earlier statement and I said “Why do you ask me? Ask it to your boyfriend only.” She then said, “Stop joking and please tell me how I look?" She had loose silky hair, a beautiful face, and a well-groomed body.  She would look beautiful at anything she would wear. Band on her looked very beautiful, and I said, "Looks as good as you." She smiled and paid the shopkeeper and said that she bought it just because I liked it.  It was already half-past two when she looked at her watch and said, "Let’s return home now." Even though I wanted to sit and talk in Basantapur for a while, I said, "Okay, let’s go home now."  As we were heading toward the bus station, she went to a nearby shop saying, "Let’s buy some Pustakari." 

 

She bought half a kilo of it and put them in her bag.  I wanted to talk to her a lot, but I didn't get anything to say in front of her. In my mind I wished that journey would never end but there was no one to listen to my mind.  We reached in front of the Kathmandu Mall, waited for a while, and got into a Hiace bus which would go to Sinamangal. Although not really a Hiace bus, it had the same texture.  We had sit in the last seats since our destination was almost far than others. Once, the vehicle was filled, copartner of driver beckoned him and he started the vehicle. There were many people on the bus and it was very uncomfortable to sit. We got off at New Baneshwor and entered the restaurant inside the former K&K College. Hunger had already crossed its limit. She ordered two plates of Momo and sausage. After getting to spend time with her, my hunger was almost gone. “Your order “Momo” arrived” said by a waiter. To be honest I was angry as it arrived sooner, but I couldn't speak or say anything about it. Drishti started eating saying, "I am going to eat, I am very hungry" and I too started eating. Momo; it was very hot, she could not bear the heat of it and shed tears. No matter how much I was deceived, I wiped her tears with my own hand.  After a while, I regained consciousness and said, "Sorry Drishti for my earlier reaction." She said, "Why? I'm not embarrassed." I felt cool in my heart after she said that.  After lunch we left.  I asked her, "Are you going in a Tampo now?"  "If you're not in a hurry, walk with me then" she said. For me it was like “Kkhojchhaskaano, aakho”. It is popular Nepali proverb.  Many things were playing in my mind, flying like as if no one could stop them except Drishti. However, when I got the chance to walk with her, I didn't want to get involved in all these inner stuffs and accompanied her across the White House campus and went to Sinamangal with her. A lot of things were said on the way, some of which I remember, some of which I forgot because of her company. After walking for about 20 minutes, we reached near the house where she lived.  "I'm going now, thank you for walking with me," she said as she walked home. "Won’t you help me now to walk me to my home?" I said. She replied with, “This is not the time. Anyway, you are male. You don’t even need to fear anything. Just go safely and call me when you reach. We will chat in the evening. Bye.” I stared at her until my eyes could see her, and when she reached the turning point, she went by.  I also returned home.  I was a little embarrassed to talk on the phone so I texted "I'm here, come online early in the evening" and waited for her in the world of technology.

 “To be continued…”

Looking for answer (Part 1)

Looking for answer

Part 1

[Note: Please be noted that, this is just the English version of the post that I wrote in my mother tongue. Please click here to read in Nepali language. And yes a huge thanks to Mr. Prashant Ghimire for transalting.]

The next evening, after posting Lumbini Diaries, my phone rang. I didn't pay much attention to my phone as I was eating and left my phone to be charged. Lately, I didn't get any phone calls from anyone so important. The phone rang one call, two calls, and three calls. I was amazed as to whose phone was ringing and I was scared. Frightened, I picked up the phone, the number was new, and a voice came from there, "Hello brother, how are you?" Somehow that voice sounded familiar but ah I couldn't figure it out and replied "Hello, Namaste. Who am I speaking to?”

From there, I finally recognized Ashish, but my curiosity was not over yet. I was even more surprised than curious, because he called me almost 3 years later although he and I had been living in the same house in Kathmandu for two years.Our contact was getting weaker after I left Kathmandu. At the same time, I asked "How is my daughter in law?"He said in a sweet voice, "Hmm brother, I don’t know what to say...Neither I knew nor did she. Where did the wind come from and where did we leave forever?" I could feel nothing but pain and separation in his voice. Again he said, "Brother, can we talk for a while?" And in response, I put the phone down saying let's talk online after a while. After an interval of about half an hour, I opened the messenger, while Ashish had already texted. He had texted saying “brother, yesterday, I had read yours’ “Lumbini Diaries.” I didn't know that you could write like that.” I sent a text with a tongue biting emo to explain if it didn't look good. From there he said, "After reading your post it reminded me of my girlfriend and I also started writing, but I couldn't do or write anything."

Then, he wanted to make a request which would not put me in a difficult situation.Before I could answer, "You have to write a love story of me and my girlfriend" he texted. In reply, I said, “brother, thank you very much for thinking me of such potential but don’t let your love story fade away by giving me that work. No brother, I know you can. He would reply to my every responses in such a way that I could not answer. And in the end he persuaded me to write, but in my mind there was a complete fear; how to write, what to write.However, I started asking him about relative questions and he kept answering. He started his story:

Thus, that day was my first day in college.

After finishing 12th class, I entered the capital for higher education. Even though festivals had come to an end, in my mind, the joy of festivals was not over. I clearly remember, on the 14th Ashoj, I entered the MinBhawan in that cold weather with a sticky bag.On the first day of college, there were no friends, sitting on the last bench, I was feeling a little lonely. Other students continued to arrive. Some would look at others and smile, meanwhile, others would introduce themselves and shake hands. I, a person who has never left home, was tormented by loneliness.Anyway, I didn't let myself down without explaining myself first about my objectives to be in the capital. On the first day, there was only an introductory program in the college. From the second day onwards, the study gradually gained momentum. My daily routine was limited to college in the morning and sitting on the roof in the afternoon. As days passed by, I got more and more friends. My first semester ended between my study and travels. I wasn't really friendly with girls because I was afraid to talk and shy to communicate. But whenever I used to see her, my heart used to be filled full with joy. I was happy to see her and it seemed meaningful to live, but I couldn't express my thoughts to her. And at the time, the technology wasn't that simple and convenient as well.I used to use MIG application at the time but she hadn’t, so there was no way to communicate. Since we could not talk much, I couldn't even get to ask for a mobile number. As time passed, we got closer, sometimes under the pretext of notes, sometimes in the name of assignments given by teachers. Since, there would be a lot of group work in our studies, the teachers had formed a group of 5-5 people. Yes, the same group was a special excuse for us to get close. Coincidentally, we were both in the same group. It was because of the group discussion that I was able to talk to her and we got very close under this pretext. Maybe it was in the middle of the second semester, I had to go to a company and do a survey. Our group chose Unilever in Kamaldi. The boys who had just arrived in Kathmandu were more focused on traveling than studying, so instead of going to the field, some of them persuaded me to finish the assignment. And when I told Drishti about everything, she replied that she would go without any hesitation. This easy acceptance of her was a courage for me and we decided to go next Tuesday. The day of my anxious wait, Tuesday, arrived, we had decided to meet at Old Baneshwor at exactly 11 o'clock. I took a bath in the morning, sprinkle the perfume, ate food and made myself ready. At that time, I was excited more than anything. I was enjoying more than I could while flying kites in Dashain. In particular, I had to meet Drishti and open up my mind and feelings for her rather than a college assignment. Time gave me the same opportunity. When I reached the Constituent Assembly Hall after crossing the zebra crossing in Baneshwor, I waited for a while, but the traffic in Kathmandu was not that easy. No vehicles had a space so I decided to walk. As I was walking across Rameshwar Sweet Shop, White House College and Ratnarajya School, many waves were hitting my mind till I reached Venice Hospital. Looking at every couple I saw on the road, I kept thinking that one day I will walk with my Drishti like this. I was so engrossed in my imagination that I stumbled upon a man from another direction. The man kept saying, "Don't you have eyes?" I went on my own way, the anger of his abuse was conquered by the world of my imagination. I kept moving and then I came across Apex College and a little further, there were many other shops on the way, all of them are now forgotten though. As long as I was walking that path, I could care less about the time. As I was walking towards Old Baneshwor, I looked at the clock, it seemed that the clock had reached far beyond my imagination. When I reached the Chowk, I was already late by 10 minutes. I said "I'm sorry. No vehicles had a space." She said, "Okay, let's go." We got on the same small blue micro bus and moved towards our destination. She didn’t look less than a model in the blue Kurta she wore and the hair she left behind. But I wanted to make her the queen of my life, rather than a model. I was inspired by the word "Pagal (mad)" which she used to say when I first met her. The crowd at the micro was so large, I just sat there. Micro bus went past Maitidevi's police headquarter and reached Putalisadak where it turned right and moved toward "Ghantaghar.” At that moment, we had already arrived at Ganesthan, Kamaladi and I closed my eyes and prayed to God. She said, "So you are very religious huh." I was trying to convince her that I had just prayed to God, but she threw a punchline saying "Anyway, was it necessary to close eyes while praying?" I replied with "I wanted my prayers come true." Now I had thought that she would not ask any more questions, but she asked again, "What did you ask for with God?" In other words, I wanted to ask for you to be mine, thankfully it was just in my mind and I asked for good marks in the exam, I said. Engaged in conversation, we reached Trichandra College. We hurried down to stop the micro. After that, she said sarcastically, "What's the matter with you; you even forgot about your destination as well after getting to talk with a girl?" Although, I never wanted that moment to come to an end, I said to myself. I thought she would stay with me like this for the rest of my life and she would wake me up in the morning with a cup of tea and tell me that it is already morning. One way, my mind said, "Stop dreaming you fool" meanwhile another way, my mind said,” you should dream on." On the way we came through, we reached the head office of Himalayan Bank then Heritage Plaza and finally the office of Unilever. When we reached there, we told about our objectives and purpose of visit to the gate keeper. Then, he introduced us to one of the officers working in Unilever. After presenting our greetings, and a short conversation, we asked the questions we had prepared for our survey and said goodbye with a thank you. The clock was ticking. On the way out, I asked Drishti if she would go home then. I thought to myself that she shouldn't say yes because I was happy and enjoying to be with her. I had such an awesome experience for the first time in my life. I wanted to say the same thing with all my heart and make her my own forever, but I could not open my heart which was full of fear.Honestly, I didn't want to leave. Whether she listened to my heart or she was also feeling like me or she really had a work to do, she told us to go through Makhkhan Street. I felt like I had won the war on the inside. We walked across Trichandra College, then to the police headquarters, walked over Jamal's bridge and headed towards Makkhan Street.

Saying this, Ashish's messenger showed "Active 15 minutes ago".The clock was ticking and it was already 11 o'clock, I waited for him for a while but again he didn't come online and I also tried to sleep and posted it without his permission to surprise him.

 “To be continued…”
© KeshavGyawali