Wednesday, August 19, 2020

कहिल्यै नमेटिने सम्झना, कुशे औशिँ

#कहिल्यै_नमेटिने_सम्झना #कुशे_औशिँ मन भित्रको ज्वारभाटा उर्लेर आँउछ। कसैगरि थामेको यो मन मान्दै मान्दैन, अहँ, मान्दै मान्दैन। त्यो स्वरको मिठास अजैपनि यि कानमा गुन्जिरहेछ जसरि अग्ला पहाडका डाडाँहरुमा आवज गुन्जिरहन्छन्। कता कता त्यहि स्वरले मलाई पुकारे जस्तो भान हुन्छ। एकछिन टोलाउछु, झस्किनछु, यता उती हेर्छु, त्यो अनुहार खोज्छु, अहँ, कहिँ कतै पाउदिन अनि "खोज्यो भने देवता त भेटिन्छ" लेखेका हरेक पाना च्यातन मन लाग्छ, छाप्ने त्यो मेसिन फुटाईदिउँ लाग्छ र त्यो मसिलाई बगाईदिउ लाग्छ। हो जब प्यारो मान्छे गुमाएपछि मनले मान्दैन रहेछ, नपाउने थाहा भए पनि खोजिरहदो रहेछ, हरेक दिन, हरेक पल आशा भैरहदो रहेछ। एकतमासले आँखा रसाउछ, एक हातले ति दर्केका आँखा पुस्छु। आकाश दर्किदाँ मान्छेको शरिर भिज्छ, तर जब आखाँ दर्किन्छ पुरै मन भिज्दो रहेछ। भिजेको शिरर त एकैछिनमा ओभाउछँ तर भिजेको मन ओभाउदो रहेनछ। जति नै कोसिस गरिरहुँ कतै न कतै चिसो रहिरहदोँ रहेछ। त्यही चिसोले सधै मन दूखाउदो रहेछ, सम्झना दिलाईरहदो रहेछ। आज म त्यो भुतकालमा पुगिरहेको छु। त्यो पल, जहाँ म सँग खुसी नै खुसी थिए, त्यो न्यानो माया थियो, त्यो आफ्नोपनको आभास थियो अनि कहिल्यै नसकिने माया थियो। हो आजपनि म त्यही आवाज खोज्छु जसले मलाई हरेक बिहान उठाउने गर्थ्यो, जिवन जिउने आशा देखाउथ्यो, मेरा हरेक गल्तिहरुलाई सच्चाईदिन्थ्यो, अनि हरेका पाईलाहरूमा प्रेरणा दिन्थ्यो। त्यहि न्यानो साथले मलाई कहिले एक्लोपनको आभाषसम्म भएन न कहिले मलाई केहि कुराको कमि महसुस भयो। बस मैले सोच्नु पर्थ्यो जादु जस्तै मेरा सारा ईच्छाहरू पुरा भैदिन्थे। अहँ त्यो माया मैले बयान गर्नै सक्दिन, जतिनै निरास पल किन नहोस मलाई त्यही एउटा छायाँमात्रै भएपनि खुसी दिन्थ्यो। तर त्यो साथ छुटेको आज १३ बर्ष भईसकेछ, बितेका यी बर्षकालमा कुनै यस्तो दिन छैन जुन पल मलाई त्यो न्यानो माया र साथ खड्किएको। तै पनि मनलाई सम्हालिरहेको छु र सगै भएको आभासले बाँकी जिन्दगी काट्न बाध्य छु। नफर्किने थाहा हुँदाहुँदै पनि मनमा एउटा झिनो आसले जहिले डेरा गरेर बसेको छ कि कहिले "छोरा म आए" भनेर सुन्न पाउछु र मनका सारा बह फुकाउन पाउछु।

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Looking for answer (Part 2)

Looking for answer 
(Part 2)

[Note: Please be noted that, this is just the English version of the post that I wrote in my mother tongue. Please click here to read in the Nepali language.]

Only two days later, Ashish's message came, "Hello brother, and I am sorry for the day before yesterday".  I easily accepted his apologies.  He had already read what I had posted, he said, "Thank you very much, brother. When I read what you wrote, I felt that my Drishti was with me. Thank you very much, brother."  Without saying much, I asked straight away, "And why did your girlfriend had to go to MakhkhanStreet?"  For a moment, I thought, "How selfish I have become that I didn’t even ask about his health" But he kept saying about everything, walking around the MakhkhanStreet, having lunch, and taking her to the room and saying goodbye.

He started by saying:

Yes, my mind was also distracted by the fact that she was walking around with me. One way my mind was saying, "Yes, Ashish, Drishti also likes you, otherwise why did she offer to hang out with you on the first date"?  When my heart comforted me, it gave me the impression that she was mine, at the same time it made me think on a dual aspect and set my whole dream on fire.  Still, I would take care of myself, abuse my own mind, and think about her. While we were going over the sky bridge of Jamal, her shoes got stuck on the stairs. As she was about to fell, she grabbed me by the hand, and immediately leaving her hand, she said, "I'm sorry Ashish." Somehow that sorry had hurt my mind and inner me.  But my name, which was uttered from her mouth, gave me more coolness than that "sorry" and also a feeling of belongingness.  I was overwhelmed.  "Did you get hurt?" I asked.  She also smiled and said "If you weren’t here I would be hurt, maybe".  "Just say yes, I will support you for the rest of my life and I will be a balm for every injury" said to my soul but couldn’t express it to her so I just smiled. In a while, we went to IndraChowk and I asked her if she likes lassi. Suddenly, she became excited and said “Wow, Lassi… it's my favorite let's have it.” We drank two glasses of lassi. Every time she and I talked, I had a different kind of joy. I thought God made her for me. Then we moved toward Bishal Bazaar. There were a lot of people walking on the road: no one cared, everyone was in a hurry, and they seemed to be chased by death. In the same crowd there were some youths as well. While we were just passing by, one of the youths said in a flirty tone "Oi, what a beautiful girl aight.” Actually yes, my Drishti is really beautiful. But I was getting more angry than happy, but then I thought it was better to run away than to get in a fight with them.  She felt a little embarrassed, she started walking fast. I hated such people and their behavior. I was embarrassed even in that civilized place as it is the capital city of my country. I thought about the news of many girls being sold every day and all the violence against women. I thought about the guy who behaved insignificantly and lowly. I said to myself “How cheap sons are born in my mother country? I felt like they don’t belong here else who would dare to do such cheap activities?” In a moment, we came across Makhkhan Street, I was walking straight ahead with my thoughts and suddenly she said “Ashish, here!"  My mind was distracted then. She was right in front of one shop at Makhkhan Street. I asked, "What do you need?" She replied, "A hairband and a clip." She added, "You can also look some for your girlfriend" I didn’t say anything and then putting on a hairband, she asked, "What do I look like?"  I was a little angry by her earlier statement and I said “Why do you ask me? Ask it to your boyfriend only.” She then said, “Stop joking and please tell me how I look?" She had loose silky hair, a beautiful face, and a well-groomed body.  She would look beautiful at anything she would wear. Band on her looked very beautiful, and I said, "Looks as good as you." She smiled and paid the shopkeeper and said that she bought it just because I liked it.  It was already half-past two when she looked at her watch and said, "Let’s return home now." Even though I wanted to sit and talk in Basantapur for a while, I said, "Okay, let’s go home now."  As we were heading toward the bus station, she went to a nearby shop saying, "Let’s buy some Pustakari." 

 

She bought half a kilo of it and put them in her bag.  I wanted to talk to her a lot, but I didn't get anything to say in front of her. In my mind I wished that journey would never end but there was no one to listen to my mind.  We reached in front of the Kathmandu Mall, waited for a while, and got into a Hiace bus which would go to Sinamangal. Although not really a Hiace bus, it had the same texture.  We had sit in the last seats since our destination was almost far than others. Once, the vehicle was filled, copartner of driver beckoned him and he started the vehicle. There were many people on the bus and it was very uncomfortable to sit. We got off at New Baneshwor and entered the restaurant inside the former K&K College. Hunger had already crossed its limit. She ordered two plates of Momo and sausage. After getting to spend time with her, my hunger was almost gone. “Your order “Momo” arrived” said by a waiter. To be honest I was angry as it arrived sooner, but I couldn't speak or say anything about it. Drishti started eating saying, "I am going to eat, I am very hungry" and I too started eating. Momo; it was very hot, she could not bear the heat of it and shed tears. No matter how much I was deceived, I wiped her tears with my own hand.  After a while, I regained consciousness and said, "Sorry Drishti for my earlier reaction." She said, "Why? I'm not embarrassed." I felt cool in my heart after she said that.  After lunch we left.  I asked her, "Are you going in a Tampo now?"  "If you're not in a hurry, walk with me then" she said. For me it was like “Kkhojchhaskaano, aakho”. It is popular Nepali proverb.  Many things were playing in my mind, flying like as if no one could stop them except Drishti. However, when I got the chance to walk with her, I didn't want to get involved in all these inner stuffs and accompanied her across the White House campus and went to Sinamangal with her. A lot of things were said on the way, some of which I remember, some of which I forgot because of her company. After walking for about 20 minutes, we reached near the house where she lived.  "I'm going now, thank you for walking with me," she said as she walked home. "Won’t you help me now to walk me to my home?" I said. She replied with, “This is not the time. Anyway, you are male. You don’t even need to fear anything. Just go safely and call me when you reach. We will chat in the evening. Bye.” I stared at her until my eyes could see her, and when she reached the turning point, she went by.  I also returned home.  I was a little embarrassed to talk on the phone so I texted "I'm here, come online early in the evening" and waited for her in the world of technology.

 “To be continued…”